Strange

Don't get me wrong, I know there are weird and crazy people in the city. I am not naive. But usually I am in my own world and no one bothers me. This lastest occurance happenned on Friday afternoon. I had just left work and I was speedwalking to the car so that I would not get to the parking lot after my Dad. On a short Friday things always get crazy 10 minutes before you want to leave and I had left late. Anyways, I was almost at the lot, I had my discman on, and I was slowing down because I saw the Don't Walk sign 100 feet away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw an older guy who was standing against the wall of a bar/restaurant start walking toward the street perpendicular to the way I was walking. I started to go around him when he stepped straight into my path, faced me, and put his arms out like he wanted a hug. I had no idea what to do I was so shocked I just stood there for a few seconds. Then I just walked away. I did not want to say anything or ackowledge him in any way so I waited until I had gotten past him until I made a disgusted face. It really weirded me out. Who do they think they are? It was to bad I was not walking with anyone from work because they probably would have beat him up. Oh well.

I was very confused when I realized they had moved up daylight savings time to this week. Strange. Supposedly they did it to save fuel, but then why not do it that way for the last 50+ years. Why start make the change now?

Let Down

I'm sorry I have not been able to keep up my blog. I really miss it. I keep telling myself that I should keep at it, but once you stop blogging regularly it is hard to start up again. I get home at 10pm most nights and it easy to find an excuse to put it off another day, grab something to eat, prepare my stuff for the next day, shower, and fall into bed. It doesn't help that I cannot write what is really on my mind because there are people who discovered my blog and would not be happy to hear what I have to say about them. I could start another one, but I love this one. And then there are those things that no matter how much you want to talk about, you keep private because no one really understands. To them the answer just seems easy, but to you it is not that simple. Your heart doesn't always listen to what you order it to do.

Now for the topic I have been planning to write about for over a month, but do not know where to start. The incident is no longer as vivid or disturbing, but just as important. One morning while walking to work I was waiting to cross the street and as soon as the traffic light turned red and the walk sign turned green I was off. There was a taxi cab already stopped at the light, but all of a sudden almost out of nowhere a white commercial van stepped on the gas and came barreling to me. I am usually the first one off the sidewalk when the walk light goes on and the closest pedestrian was about 1 foot behind me. I, however was right in harms way. For a second I had that frozen deer in the headlights feeling and just stared in disbelief. But suddenly instint took over and I jumped back in the nick of time with the truck just barely missing me. I am not even sure how close it was. I cannot remember. All I know is that I said "Oh my G-d" and got really mad about how someone could do that. It wasn't like he sped up as the light turned red, which people always do in the city, but he ran the light about 30 seconds later. The pedestrians behind me were in shock and cursing the driver out. No one got his liscence plate. They were all to busy watching. No one even reached out to pull me back. I continued crossing the street after staring in disbelief like nothing happened. It had not hit me yet. As I turned down the street (the same street where my office was) a guy calls out to me, "That was a really close call, you know." I turned around, nodded, and continued walking. That was when it hit me and I started shaking all the way to my office. It took me a while to calm down, but I was ok. I knew I had to get back outside as soon as possible to walk because it really scares you. The whole thing scared me. I didn't know what it meant. I didn't know what I was supposed to take from it. I didn't know if it was supposed to be worse, but became a better person and that saved me. Or did I do a few extra good deeds? Or was that supposed to be a wakeup call for me to change. What I do know was that it added to my feelings of lonliness when I had no one to pull me back and no one to show they cared. They just acted like it was an everyday occurance and no big deal, that I should have known to be more careful because it was my fault.

It feels like I have been Let Down.
It has happened my whole life, but usually there is that one person who is there for you.
Now I feel like I have no one.
Let Down by friends...family...and the ones I love.
You work hard to be there for others, but there is no one there for you.
You reach out to lend a hand, but no one is there to extend that hand to you.
You are there to listen to everyone else's problems and tell them it will all work out ok, but no one is there to listen to you.
The one thing you want most you can't have. It lays just beyond your reach.

I am not depressed, just disappointed. Frustrated by people's selfishness and blindness to others. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest. I think I have unloaded enough for now. I'm back!

Quick Hello

I never thought I would be too busy to find time to blog. I thought I could at least post over weekends. But lately I have not had much time. I will not blog from work or someone else's computer, and usually by the time I get home I fall into bed. This weekend I have been packing for a family trip to Israel and I will be gone for almost two weeks. I have so much to write about, but no time to write it.

Nevertheless, I decided to pop in for a quick hello and to tell over something that was slightly disturbing. A few weeks ago, on Friday afternoon I was walking, or rather speedwalking, to the bus stop from work. I was less than a block away when I spotted a sketchy looking middle aged man with a camera around his neck. He definitely did not look like a tourist and I was immedietely suspicious. So I kept my head down and tried to walk out of his line of site. But during holiday season the streets around Rockefeller Center are jammed and I was not having much luck. I decided to make a run for it as I saw the bus around the corner, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the man lift his camera. I had a bad feeling he was going to snap a picture. Sure eneough as soon as I got withing five feet he focused the camera on my face snapped a picture so fast I did not have time to react. I have no idea why he decided to pick me as his subject, but it really disturbed me. He looked like someone who was taking pictures of people for the wrong reasons. Gave me the creeps.

I hope I will get back to blogging regularly when I get back. There is so much on my mind and so many sports incidents I would have loved to analyze and comment on.

Homecoming

I am sorry it took so long to get this post up (internet broke again thanks to my Dad, it's his latest talent). It has been in drafts for more than 2 weeks and has been in the planning stages since a cold winter morning in 2003 as I was driving to school in the city and heard the official announcement that Pettitte was signing with Houston. He had just won 20 games for the Yankees and got them into the World Series. He had done everything they could have asked for and more in 9 years. He was a true Yankee, a product of their farm system, and they did not want him back. I sat there in desbelief waiting for my Dad to pintch me, wake me up, and tell me I was having a bad dream. I still remember the song 1050 ESPN Radio played and how sad it made me. I know baseball is just a game, but Pettitte symbolized a lot to me. This day has been long time in coming, but it is finally here.

After a long and tiring week at work I was sitting down at the table Friday night before the meal, when my brother pipes up. "I have some news for you," he said (or something like that). Then came the dramatic pause. I had some idea of what the news might be, but I wasn't sure if I would like it. The papers had been discussing a possible Pettitte return. After deciding against retirement, free agent pitcher Andy Pettitte was only considering two teams, his hometown Houston Astros and the New York Yankees where he became a big time pitcher and fan favorite for 9 years. In 2003, when the Yankees ignored him he went home so that he could be closer to his family and supposedly he was still leaning toward returning to the Astros. The Yankees gave him a deadline of late December. I didn't think he would reach a decision that quickly so I didn't know what to expect. Would it be exhiliration or more disappointment?

Fortunately, it was the former. My brother told me that late Friday afternoon it was announced that Pettitte had made the decision to sign with the Yanks. I was speechless aside from a few shrieks as I jumped for joy. That whole weekend I had a silly smile on my face. I guess you can say it was for guy I had sorely missed. I truly think he can help bring back the Yankees' glory days. He will definitely anchor this aging pitching staff. The Yankees have spent more than three years and wasted millions of dollars (I would better over 100 million) trying to replace their star left hander. Steinbrenner spent an insane amount of money on the ancient Kevin Brown, Javier Vasquez of Toronto, the still injured Carl Pavano, and Jaret Wright, just to name a few. All were big time busts. Although I do not think it was Cashman who was adamant not to sign him, it is about time they came to their senses and corrected their mistake. Hey, better late than never, but they wasted some great years.

Pitching was one of the keys, if not the key reson, the Yankees have not won a championship in the last few years. Pettitte was one of the main anchors of, arguably, the best starting staff in the major leagues. He was great in the regular season, and even better in the post season. When the team was down in a big playoff series you knew Pettitte would pick the team back up. If I remember correctly, he was the MVP in the 2000 or 2001 ALCS. He was also my favorite pitcher, still is. He pitched the first baseball game I ever saw, which will always have a special place in my heart. Furthermore, he is real. Pettitte is an all-around great guy, family man, and role model to all kids.

I hope I will be at the first game he is back to pitch. If not I will definitely be watching. This year I will have something special to watch and cheer for, besides a championship. Now I can take my Pettitte jersey (that I bought on sale when he left) out of my closet, dust it off, and put it on for the first time. (Who knows, maybe Clemens will make his way back to NY too. His defection left a bitter taste in the mouths of most fans and a majority do not want him back. But, I would go for it. Let the fun and games begin.)

Number 46 is back, and I cannot wait for the season to start.

Memories

Lost
in memories
Caught up
in the past
in dreams
in hopes
in regrets
in memories

thought i was over it
thought it was in the past
thought i'd moved on
but then
a snapshot of a face
from the past
brought the memories
flooding back
to haunt me

stop
i can't go back there
i can't do anything more
to change the ending
so stop
stop taunting me
i can't deal with those memories
i can't remember that past
i have to move on
it's over
that dream is dead

when i moved on
i only put
off the inevitable
was only boxed up
waiting for a chance
to escape
at the slightest provocation
any reminder
forcing me to
deal with the pain
all over again

time can dull the pain
but just seeing
a photograph
a snapshot
or catching a glimpse
can bring everything
rushing back

so unexpected
sudden
a flash
an image
uncertain
but then it clicked
focus
just something about your smile
that twists my heart

so unclear
so confused
don’t know what to do
can’t forget
memories chase me
can't run
can't hide
no escape
irreplaceable

getting stuck in the past
so caught up in what i had
happy memories
now cause pain
painful to remember
all that was within reach
wondering
if i'll ever
find that again
so clear...so sure
ready to take the leap
on a moments notice
trust so completely
so suddenly
all encompassing

why can’t someone knock
some sense into…
i’m lost
lost in my own world
with no one
who can understand
so alone
lonely
no one
to walk beside me
support me
unconditionally

With you
Felt so safe
Secure
Whole
Complete
Understood

stop
i can't go back there
i can't do anything more
to change the ending
so stop
stop taunting me
i can't deal with those memories
i can't remember that past
i have to move on
it's over
that dream is dead
leave me alone
go away
don’t bother me again
don’t make me shatter you to pieces
you can’t take action
so give up
I’m ready to fight
for my future
right now
you are not part of it
so take a hike

Thankgiving Weekend

My Thanksgiving weekend did not live up to expectations. I had plans, most of which never materialized. I was going to catch up on sleep, get ahead on my work, and have some fun with my parents gone.

The weekend started off well. On Wednesday I went to Bryant Park for the Ranger event at the rink, thanks to a tip from my brother. I got there early, and it was fun to see all the Ranger fans let loose on the ice en masse. The rain let up and the fun began. I went by myself and made some long overdue phone calls while I waited for the Ranger players to show up. I saw the players make their grand entrance. As they went onto the ice I snapped some pictures (I always carry my camera with me because you never know what will be going on in the city and I love taking pictures) which I do not think came out. The players went to the center of the ice and were immedietely surrounded so I just hung out and waited until they came off to sign autographs an hour later. I did get bored during the wait, but a group of us made friends with the security guard. He told me where the Ranger employees were giving out their paraphernalia and I grabbed some for my brother and some for my room. The masks were pretty cool. Finally the players came off for their break (more photo ops for me). I guess dealing with so many fans swamping you can be very tiring, but they were only on the ice for about an hour. Twenty minutes later they came back out to sign autographs. Two players, Hall and Pruka, stayed in my area and the other two, Oartmeyer and I'm not sure who the other one was, went ot the other end of the rink (where you had to walk all the way around). I made sure not to mention to the players that I was a Devils fan as they patientely signed autographs and took pictures with me. Note to those out there, when someone gives you a camera to take a picture don't give the camera back before the flash goes off to take the picture. I had to ask Hall for another picture because the first one was never taken, and he was very nice about it. It's too bad I'm already a Devils fan because I had a lot of fun and the players there were very nice for the most part. Although when I went to try and grab autographs from the other two players they were taking off their jerseys and as they walked by me I asked for a quick picture, but they said they had to follow the schedule and keep moving. They gave me an apologetic smile and looked like they wanted to stop, but as the people directing them kept walking. Oh well. I was not happy, but even though it looked like they wanted to stop I was not going to chase after them. I just let it go and made my way to the bus because by them my toes were froezen and I could not feel them.

This time the bus home had heat. (That morning my toes had froze while waiting for the bus which came late and when I finally got on the bus it was as cold as outside. There was no heat and the bus was 45 degrees. The driver had turned on the heat, but it was onls only blowing cold air for the hour plus trip. My teeth were chattering as I got off early because there was traffic in the city and I couldn't sit still in the cold. My toes took about 2 hours to defrost.)

Over the weekend I did watch some movies, none of which were any good. Shocker. I did not get much sleep. Thursday was a little depressing both outside and in. I crashed at my friends house, where I am considered one of the family, which was a lot of fun. On Black Friday I decided to take my sister shopping and we had to be out of the house before 6:30. Not so much fun and now I have more returns. Saturday night I finally sat down to do some work and someone called who needed an emergency babysitter. I couldn't refuse and ended up watching the late Devils game through bleary eyes. Today, after a late night I refused to get out of bed until after 10 when I got a call from my friend to help with her essays due later that day. I have been working on them all day, but deadline is really tomorrow so the work goes on. Oh and there was no massive party, unfortunately. Maybe next time.

Sports summery: Three straight Giant losses does not make for a fun intro to being a football fan. I hope to get tickets to a Devils game asap because I have not been to one since that first game (I am embarrassed to admit). I am also impatientely waiting for the Yankees so sign more pitchers, my preferences are to bring back Pettitte and Lilly.

More poetry coming soon.

Busy Busy

I apologize for not being as attentive as I should be to my blog in the last few weeks. My hours went from whatever I wanted to getting up at 5:30 in the morning and getting home at about 9PM. Weekends have also been a little crazy with family parties. So this post is just to tell you that I have not quit after my 50th post. This is just the beginning.

My parents are taking their first vacation without the kids. Finally! Although I did enjoy going to cool places. So now I have to go help them pack (to make sure they get there ;-) ). I will be back to posting regularly asap. And hopefully I will have that party I always imagined while they are gone. Can't wait. Also, there are some things that are on my mind that I have to decide whether or not to blog about and how to express myself.

Nothing major to blog about in sports yet. Maybe I will post on some of the deals being made and not made in baseball. One day last week I was walking to work along 5th Avenue and I noticed a female TV reporter with her crew. She was asking some men passing by a question, but did not ask me the same. As I was waiting at the corner I heard her asking the men walking if they were Yankee fans. Presumably she was asking about the bidding for the Japaneese pitcher. I was itching to go over to her and explain that I was a die hard Yankee fan and give my take, but I was stupid and talked myself out of it which I really regret. It really bothers me that they just assume that women can't be Yankee fans and just target the men, which I guess is understandable, but I have wanted to fight against that stereotype/assumption for a long time. That was my shot to help that cause and I failed by not stepping up and saying something and it really bothered me. I hope next time I will stand up and speak my mind and let my views be heard.