Sunday, February 25, 2007

Let Down

I'm sorry I have not been able to keep up my blog. I really miss it. I keep telling myself that I should keep at it, but once you stop blogging regularly it is hard to start up again. I get home at 10pm most nights and it easy to find an excuse to put it off another day, grab something to eat, prepare my stuff for the next day, shower, and fall into bed. It doesn't help that I cannot write what is really on my mind because there are people who discovered my blog and would not be happy to hear what I have to say about them. I could start another one, but I love this one. And then there are those things that no matter how much you want to talk about, you keep private because no one really understands. To them the answer just seems easy, but to you it is not that simple. Your heart doesn't always listen to what you order it to do.

Now for the topic I have been planning to write about for over a month, but do not know where to start. The incident is no longer as vivid or disturbing, but just as important. One morning while walking to work I was waiting to cross the street and as soon as the traffic light turned red and the walk sign turned green I was off. There was a taxi cab already stopped at the light, but all of a sudden almost out of nowhere a white commercial van stepped on the gas and came barreling to me. I am usually the first one off the sidewalk when the walk light goes on and the closest pedestrian was about 1 foot behind me. I, however was right in harms way. For a second I had that frozen deer in the headlights feeling and just stared in disbelief. But suddenly instint took over and I jumped back in the nick of time with the truck just barely missing me. I am not even sure how close it was. I cannot remember. All I know is that I said "Oh my G-d" and got really mad about how someone could do that. It wasn't like he sped up as the light turned red, which people always do in the city, but he ran the light about 30 seconds later. The pedestrians behind me were in shock and cursing the driver out. No one got his liscence plate. They were all to busy watching. No one even reached out to pull me back. I continued crossing the street after staring in disbelief like nothing happened. It had not hit me yet. As I turned down the street (the same street where my office was) a guy calls out to me, "That was a really close call, you know." I turned around, nodded, and continued walking. That was when it hit me and I started shaking all the way to my office. It took me a while to calm down, but I was ok. I knew I had to get back outside as soon as possible to walk because it really scares you. The whole thing scared me. I didn't know what it meant. I didn't know what I was supposed to take from it. I didn't know if it was supposed to be worse, but became a better person and that saved me. Or did I do a few extra good deeds? Or was that supposed to be a wakeup call for me to change. What I do know was that it added to my feelings of lonliness when I had no one to pull me back and no one to show they cared. They just acted like it was an everyday occurance and no big deal, that I should have known to be more careful because it was my fault.

It feels like I have been Let Down.
It has happened my whole life, but usually there is that one person who is there for you.
Now I feel like I have no one.
Let Down by the ones I love.
You work hard to be there for others, but there is no one there for you.
You reach out to lend a hand, but no one is there to extend that hand to you.
You are there to listen to everyone else's problems and tell them it will all work out ok, but no one is there to listen to you.
The one thing you want most you can't have. It lays just beyond your reach.

I am not depressed, just disappointed. Frustrated by people's selfishness and blindness to others. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest. I think I have unloaded enough for now. I'm back!


Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Wow that was close hashem really saved you yikes, I definitely miss your posts, be well and happy purim.

9:57 PM  
Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

awww I hate that feeling....
All it takes is one or two good friends...try to locate possible ones..
and dont forget your firends here albeit anonymous ones..

11:17 PM  
Blogger bellanny said...

Thanks guys!!

10:29 PM  
Blogger Scraps said...

You know my number, right?


That must have been terrifying. I'm so glad you're all right.

Loneliness is a horrible nasty feeling usually compounded by the belief that no one else is suffering from it.

11:02 AM  

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